What Really Happened Down in the Chamber
by Artimus Moneytrouser
Summary: Yet again, a revealing look inside the true story of what went on in your beloved Harry Potter books.


As Harry entered the Chamber of Secrets, he soon saw Ginny's limp body on the floor of the chamber. Harry went running down the corridor praying that Ginny was okay when he tripped and landed on his face. Feeling stupid, he got back up when he realized that he was not alone with Ginny in the chamber.

"Hello who are you? I'm Harry Potter, and my hobbies include complaining endlessly about things and playing wizards chess. My weaknesses include kryptonite and pointing out my major flaws. I enjoy taking walks on the beach during sunrises or sunsets. Whats your name?" Harry blurted stupidly, when he realized that he made a devastating mistake! He told a stranger his weaknesses!

"We've met before, Potter," said a mysterious stranger.

Harry let out a gasp "You're Tom Riddle!"

"You're half right, you foolish, muggle-loving moron, but you see I am much, much more than that dirty name given to me by my muggle father, for you see I am really Lord Voldemort," said the young Voldemort.

"But how...?" asked Harry.

"Through magic," said Tom...Lord...Tom Riddle.

"Don't be stupid magic doesn't exi...oh yeah forgot about that whole magic existing thing," said Harry.

"Well Harry it's time for your demise, time to summon my pet! HHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIII !", screamed Voldemort.

Two hours went by without anything happening when Harry asked, " Do you think I can go now? I'm missing out on major complaining time."

"YOU MAY ABSOULTELY NOT," said Voldemort through a temper tantrum,"WE WILL TRY THIS AGAIN... KOOOOOOOOOKOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA"

When nothing happened for another thirty minutes...

"Yeahhhhhhh... ummm... I kind of have to go to the bathroom so if you don't mi..." said Harry when he was cut off.

"I can do it, honest, it worked before, honest it did!", said Voldemort, pleading with Harry to stay.

"Surrrrrrrrrrrrre", replied Harry sarcastically.

"One more time," screamed Voldemort" HAAAAAAAAAAASHHHHHOOOOO!" Nothing happened.

Finally, Voldemort said" Voice-activated garage door opener my a..." when he whipped out a remote from his pocket and said, "Potter, it is time to have a date, no not with Cho, from doing that I'm doing you a favor (wink), but a date with the Basilisk (evil cackling)."

Sure enough, the Basilisk finally came out of crevice in a giant statue, but by that time Harry had been running away screaming. When he heard the slither chase him he ran further, then tripped again. All hope he thought was lost, when the beautiful phoenix came soaring down and gouged the Basilisk's eyes out, not with his beak but with pruning shears.

"BLAST THAT INFERNAL BIRD!"said Tom Riddle, or Voldemort, "Now that its eyes are gouged out, it can't instantly kill you with its vision. Oh well, it can still kill you with its fangs. GWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH hee hee."

"LOSER," said Harry with the L on his forehead to Voldemort, when Fawkes the phoenix dropped the sorting hat into his lap.

Harry thought how in the world could this help him, when the Basilisk thrashed at him, but Fawkes repelled it with a indestructible shield charm.

"What am I supposed to do with this hat," said Harry.

"Kaaa Kaa Shreee Cheep," said Fawkes.

"Say what," asked Harry. Lucky for Harry that Fawkes' shield charm penetrated only when Fawkes wanted to, for Fawkes whipped out a chalk board for Fawkes to explain what Harry had to do to save the day. After two hours and a half, Harry shrieked "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, I get it! I pull something out of the hat!"

Fawkes slapped a wing to his head as if to say "What a moron, it took him that long?" and nodded, took flight and the shield shimmered away. The Basilisk arose from his nap and was preparing to strike when Harry acted quickly, he pulled two items out of the hat. One was a piece of parchment with text too old for Harry to read, and one was a George Foreman grill.

"What the Bloody &# am I supposed to do with this?" asked Harry.

Lucky for harry, the Basilisk had HORRIBLE aim, for the phoenix had to explain to Harry yet again what to do, but when Harry finally got it the Basilisk's aim hit him in the shoulder. Harry let out a girlish scream, fortunately for him Fawkes healed him with his tears and Harry acted quickly, he grabbed the parchment and the George Foreman grill and screamed "Sorry TOM, but there's been way too much attention drawn to you in this book. Bye Volde-dork," Harry said with pig snorks, laughing at his own joke.

He placed the parchment into the George Foreman grill and plugged the little plug thingy into his wand. Huge blankets of steam erupted from the Foreman grill, blocking Harry and Voldemort's view.

"WHAT MAGIC IS THIS?" asked Voldemort.

A demonic cry was heard. The steam cleared and Voldemort let out a cry.

"NO NOT THAT...ANYTHING BUT THAT!" said Voldemort.

The thing that arose from the George Foreman Grill was a demonic creature known as Cher. What happened next was so quick that Harry only hear a small tidbit of what happened for he didn't dare look (being scared and all). He heard the words "Do you believe in life after love?" from the demonic creature, and a hoarse cry that went "Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o," along with the Basilisk's and Voldemort's girly screams. The Chamber was stained with blood, and when Harry opened his eyes Cher was still there.

"Have you figured it out yet Harry?" asked Cher.

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

"I AM THE TRUE EVIL BEING OF THIS LAND!" Cher let out with a cackle.

"TO BE CONTINUED...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA," said the statue of Salazar Slytherin that the Basilisk came out of.


End file.
